The Sum of All Fears

I read these online forums obsessively--these PhD admissions forums, where PhD hopefuls like (and including) me go and engage in sometimes enlightened discourse about the application process.  Sometimes it seems a little like the blind leading the blind.  I know there are some "hopefuls" around who know quite a bit more than I do about the PhD process (after all, I never really even considered a PhD until about two years ago; some of these folks have known since they were a freshman in high school.  OK; maybe that's an exaggeration, but you get the point), but the truth is, none of the other "hopefuls" on there have trod this path either; they're in a situation pretty similar to mine.  So it's a kind of laughable that I hop on and troll about looking for bits of sage wisdom from these other folks who, by and large, are ALSO searching for that golden bit of advice.

At any rate, I'm off topic already!  I was on today reading through profiles of folks who've received admits, and came across this signature:

Pr(Admission) = ∑ (all fears)

I thought is was pretty funny.  Not sure if I read it correctly, but I THINK it means "probability of admission equals the sum of all fears."

That's funny.

Although, I think it'd be more appropriate if it were:

1 - Pr(Admission) = ∑ (all fears)

At any rate, that's me; it's where I live.  Maybe not truly the sum of all fears, but it's hard not to obsess about Pr(Admission) when you've finally committed yourself to this drastic life change.  Because the worst thing would be fully committing yourself emotionally to this path and after all the work, all the effort, all the sacrifice, it coming down to a list of rejects and no admits. 

It happens.  I found a few on the online forums.  And they weren't unqualified applicants either. 

So I hedge my bets (by casting a wide net--applying to too many schools), and do everything I can to enhance my profile (working on a new research project with a new group of researchers, by the way; did I tell you?).  But still, the fear persists.  Because there are things hanging out there (like my undergrad GPA) that are just enormous blemishes on my profile.

If you're reading this, and you find yourself in a similar position--you fret and obsess and worry (until your hair begins to fall out and you've started biting your fingernails again, a habit you conquered ten years ago) about your chances of admission--I hate to tell you, but I don't have any magic words for you!  I do, though, stop periodically to reflect on a particularly apropros quote by Goethe:

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back-- Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now." 

I comfort myself knowing that there's power in commitment; that a higher power (Providence if you read Goethe; perhaps, if you're a little more spiritually minded like me, God) steps in and moves on your behalf.

Good thing.